Soliloquy
by Jclimactic
Summary: A one-shot, sort of follow-up to 'Why Fight It' that happened by accident. Genre has changed...
1. Soliloquy

**Disclaimer: Nope. Still don't own Castle.**

**[No Spoilers in reviews please...]**

**A/N: So I was trying to write the beginning of a multi-chapter story idea, and then I got bits if this. It will absolutely not work for what I had in mind, so I tweaked it a little, and now it's sort of a quasi-sequel to 'Why Fight It'. It's a one off, not going anywhere with it. Sort of blah I think, but I wrote it so why not post it - what's the worst that could happen?**

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He was kneeling in front of her when he asked, no smile, no smirk; the most serious of expressions.

"Katherine Houghton Beckett, will you marry me?"

Beckett was dumbfounded, one moment sure he was going to break up with her; that he'd had enough of her secrets, the job being the last straw that broke his patience. Then this, a proposal; no matter what she decided about the job he just wanted more for their future, more together. She knew now, he didn't want to be apart, he saw them together. Always.

"Rick..." She whispered, standing up from the swing and taking a small step away. That step taking her further form the swing, giving her room; taking her further form him. Seeing his face fall slightly, doubt entering his eyes she moved quickly; rounding the swing, dropping to her knees to join him and throwing her arms around his neck pulling them both together.

"They offered me the job Castle."

"I don't care Kate, whatever you decide..."

"You do care Rick, we both want more... the job, it wouldn't let that happen, it wouldn't let me to ever be there for you, wouldn't leave time for anything else in my life."

Castle said nothing to that, just bent his head forward and gave a small, gentle kiss on the neck.

"I'm not taking the job Rick."

"What? Kate..."

"I don't want to give up my life here Rick, I have too much to lose now; a home, friends, family, you."

Beckett pulled back from him then, arms loose around his shoulders, surprising him with a quick peck in the lips, "Let's talk somewhere else Rick, I have things I need to say."

"You still haven't answered the question Kate. Will you marry me?"

"If you had any doubt Rick. Don't. Yes. Yes, I will marry you."

He slipped the ring onto her finger then, slowly, almost hesitantly.

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The two of them had made it back to her apartment, not talking really during the journey; keeping each other company.

When they had arrived Beckett pushed Castle down onto the sofa, and began pacing; back and forth like an agitated wild cat, she only lacked the tail to swish in frustration. The frustration was turned inward now as she muttered occasionally to herself. She was on a roll today, realizations, speeches to herself as much as the suspect in interrogation; it was time to talk. She abruptly stopped pacing, turning to face Castle.

"I have some things I need to say, I need you to listen; you know talking about this stuff is hard for me so please just let me finish."

Castle have her a smile and a nod, nothing spoken.

"These last few weeks have been a mess Rick. Since the bomb scare, since you came back to stay with me. That's what started everything really I think. You came back Rick. The kind of commitment I'd never seen before from anyone, certainly no boyfriend had or would ever have done something like that for me."

"That's the third time you saved me from a bomb. Seems with around I don't have anything to worry about with bombs!"

Despite her serious tone Beckett let out a light chuckle, "hell Rick, you make me bomb proof! First my old apartment when Scott Dunn blew it up, you got me out without a scratch on me.."

Castle couldn't resist putting his two cents in on that, "or a stitch of clothing.."

"Hush Castle, let me talk please; we can discuss clothing later."

"Again with the dirty bomb, you should have left town with your family, but you didn't, you stayed with me; I should have sent you away but I didn't. You were reckless Rick, but you saved me, you saved a good chunk of the city. After that, if you weren't before, you were my partner Rick."

"Then the recent one, where you came back to me; if you hadn't no one else would have figured it out, the placement of the plate, how important it was. Coming back is what saved me Rick. If you hadn't I'd be dead."

"We'd agreed, you had to leave, couldn't stay and risk leaving Alexis fatherless; but instead of staying away you came back. Rick you put me first, ahead of even your own daughter; someone who had been the center of your life for longer even even my mother's case had been the epicenter of mine."

"Thats it though, I wasn't sure I could make the same commitment to you. Not at the time, I wasn't thinking that at the time, I was just so happy back then."

"Later though, things settled down, you weren't as responsive; I wasn't sure where you stood, what you wanted. I started to question myself too, something Vaughn said.."

Castle took a hissed breath at that name, and Beckett flashed him a quick comforting smile before continuing.

"He said something like a misled heart shouldn't derail a career, and I was wondering... Are we just in love with the dance? Have I been misleading myself, am I just in love with the dance? Are you the one?"

"What if I couldn't commit to you like I had to my mother Rick? She'd been the center of everything for so long, even after we got together I couldn't let it go. I had to chase down Bracken alone to cut a deal, almost let the nutcase kill him. I was still consumed Rick, consumed by the need to bring him down. Putting anything ahead of that..."

"You saved his life Kate."

"I know. I didn't want him killed like that, I want him brought to justice, to face the consequences of killing my mother."

"If I was wrong Rick, please don't be angry now, this is the past now. If I was wrong about us, if I couldn't commit like to you like I had my mother and her murder case. If you weren't the one for me, then the job, the new career; well it was perfect timing..."

"The job offer Rick, it would have been a great opportunity; but I realize now, that is not why I wanted it. It was all about commitment Rick, what I was committed to in this life I'm trying to lead."

"When they made me the offer I went to see my dad. He told me that my mother would have been proud, that he was proud of me; and the first thing I said to that Rick, was that I wanted the job. I've lived for my mothers case and trying to make her proud for so long Rick, just the thought of achieving that... I so wanted that. Even told my dad I'd resent you of I didn't take the job. Because then, I really thought I would, it would be picking between you and my mother Rick; I couldn't possibly do that, my mother has been my life, to pick you over her would... I don't know, but I'd eventually grow to hate you; or so I thought then, in that moment."

"The case opened my eyes Rick. In more ways than one. The vic, she had a promising career, family, friends, a home; and she gave it all up in the pursuit of her friends killer. She didn't succeed though, sacrificed her whole life to be an avenging angle; and in the end it wasn't enough, she wasn't smart enough to figure it all out, to gain the revenge. You were though Rick, you spotted the clues; helped us put the pieces to together. Just like you did with my mothers case, I couldn't get far by myself despite a decade of trying. But with you Rick, I now know who was behind it."

"More than that though, I started wondering; did I want to be that woman? Just continually be wrapped up in the pursuit of justice for my mother? That's what the AG job could have helped with, I don't need to be a cop anymore. I know who was behind it. To bring him down though, well I might not ever succeed but a platform like the AG's office would certainly help."

"To do it though I'd have to give up everything. To make my mother proud, to bring justice to her killer, which might never happen, I'd have to give up my home, friends, a great job already had, and the relationship with you. The vic in that case Rick she chose to give it all up, to chase the case until it killed her. I could do the same, live for my mother, her case, or I could live for me, for my own future."

"I just want you to know Rick, I handle this whole mess badly. Should have talked to you, we should have talked to each other. But it was never about a job Rick, really I don't think it was. No, it was about what I could put first. Honestly it wasn't really about you even Rick, putting you first."

She tossed him a weak smile at that.

"No it was about who I was living life for, and I want to live for me now. I want the home and family I already have, I want to keep that; and I want you."

Castle held out his hands to her then, waiting until she took them and attempting to tug her down onto the sofa; instead she simply straddled him and pressed her lips to his in the most passionate, but brief, kiss they had shared in weeks.

Pulling back just a touch, Castle whispers often to her, "thank you Kate. Thank you for telling me that." Then he laughed, "does make a bit of a mockery of my whole scratch and claw speech though Beckett."

"You complaining?"

"No. No. Just I wish sometimes we could be this open all the time; we both hold back so much. I was scared to push, words, actions, desires, dreams. I don't want uncomplicated anymore though; I want fun and complicated. I want you. I'm sure it won't be easy."

"I've never been easy Castle, you know that."

"Only for Internet billionaires right?"

Beckett leaned back then a look of absolute shock and horror on her face. She was apparently speechless, but not without other resources.

"Kidding! Apples! Kidding! You brought him up first!"

"Why did you say that!?"

"It was a joke! Poor taste maybe. But you did let him get.."

"I didn't let him anything! He.."

"It doesn't matter Kate! It's the past. I trusted you then. I trust you now. Forget I said it. Please?"

She was breathing heavily, clearly angry, but hasn't moved from her position straddling thighs. They both took a moment to pause, to calm back down.

Beckett finally spoke up again, "never mention him again. Deal?"

"Absolutely."

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They had taken a moment, Beckett leaving him on the sofa to make coffee. A little more tension in apartment than before.

Eventually, after perhaps five or even ten minutes of silence between them Castle apparently couldn't take it anymore, blurting out, "I love you."

All the tension left Beckett at those words, relaxation visibly spreading through her entire body, "I know. You wouldn't have proposed otherwise would you."

"I'm sorry."

She actually laughed then, so relaxed in them that she didn't care anymore, "I know that too. Castle you know I said yes right? You know what that means?"

She blew him a kiss form across her apartment, "Rick, I love you."


	2. Discourse

**Disclaimer: Nope. Still don't own Castle.**

[No Spoilers in reviews please...]

**A/N: So in response to copious requests... well ok, one request (but hey TORONOTOSUN you account for 33% of all reviews on Soliloquy: major league all-star batting average!) I'm adding a chapter here... Just a what if, what if I write a story after insomnia and a hangover?**

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"Do you need to go back to the precinct today?" They were now sitting on the couch, not touching, but watching each other; slowly sipping the coffee.

"I suppose, I sort of bailed on the case; should talk to Ryan and Espo anyway, let them know what's going on." She glanced down at the ring then, started to twist it on her finger; round and round.

"What are you going to tell them Kate?"

She hummed a little, not looking up from the ring she was twirling around her finger, "that I had a job offer and declined. I wanted to stay, have a life."

Castle sat up a little straighter, realizing she'd only indicated telling the boys about her plans, her professional future.

"I meant about us. What are you going to tell them about us." There was the slightest of edges to his voice, just a hint of tension he knew he hadn't concealed, but Beckett was distracted, he had no idea if she'd picked up on it.

He could see that Beckett's eyes were still focus on the ring, shifting it, touching  
it, watching it glitter. "I don't want to say anything about that now Rick, just keep it between us for now okay? I'll wear the ring on a chain, around my neck, is that okay for now?"

Castle stood from the sofa then, nerves frayed, raw; the though of more secrets, more hiding just a little to much for him. He started heading toward the apartment door, "I have to go Beckett. I'll see you later okay, call me or text me when you're done telling the guys about your job opportunity. Okay?"

Beckett stood abruptly too, "Rick! Where are you going? We're not going together?"

"What's the point? It's all your decision anyway." Putting his hand on the door handle he looked over once again, "I'm going home Kate. When you've done what you need to do, come over; I'll make us some dinner."

Beckett stepped quickly toward him, reaching out to place her hands on his shoulders, "Rick, tell me what's going on; don't leave now."

"You want to know? You want to know what I think about us?"

She gave him a squeeze to is shoulders, offering a jerking nod, "Yes!"

Castle took a deep breath before answering trying to control his tone, "You want to keep things secret again Kate. Again! After it worked so well the last time. You never wanted to tell anyone, we never did; it just slipped out, people gradually found out but you never wanted to come clean to anyone."

"Rick, I thought it would have stopped us working.."

"Yeah, I know, you thought it would get me thrown off the team, out of the precinct; that we wouldn't be allowed of work together if we were open about us. Turns out though you were one murder-driven revelation away from taking a job that would never allow us to work together anyway. Right? I'd never be able to follow you as a Fed, never be allowed to be your partner."

"Really, you were so close to ending our partnership, maybe the partnership doesn't mean that much. Maybe protecting it wasn't why you wanted to keep everything secret at all."

"Rick..."

"You keep your boyfriends secret don't you Beckett? Hid Josh from everyone until he surprised you at the precinct. Is that what keeping secrets is really about here Beckett? Hiding so it's less embarrassing when everything falls apart? Did you have no confidence we'd make it?"

"Now you want to keep us secret again, I just wonder how confident you are; how confident I should be.."

"Rick! I told you before. One. And. Done! I'm in this."

"Really? I've heard a lot of words from you before Beckett. I'm a one and done type. I just want you. I want to be there for someone. I love you. So many words Beckett, so many words that seem so empty a while after you said them.

"What if there'd been no murder? Or just a regular run-of-the-mill husband kills wife? No subtext for you to grab onto, nothing to drive your epiphany moment? Then what? Then you'd have come to talk to me eventually right? To tell me you were taking the job and we were over? Or maybe that you wanted the job and to keep me even though you say it would never work, you'd never have had time, never been there."

"We'd have worked something out Rick, if it had come to that; you could have flown down to DC for weekends..."

"That's right, because I have no job and because I'm a millionaire? You would have kept me around because I'll flexible and can spend money to make your life work? What if I was a struggling writer, poor Beckett? Would you have expected me to bend over backward then? Or move to DC, give up my entire life so you can have yours?"

"You said whatever I decided Rick.."

"I did. I did. I also said we deserved more. You're the one telling me this job you've told me nothing about wouldn't leave any time for more; first I've heard of that - just how incompatible you think it was with there being an us at all. But you were going to take it anyway."

"Rick! Focus, let the writers imagination go. Please! None of that matters, none of it is real. I'm staying, we're engaged; I want a future together."

"I wanted a future together too Beckett. But I don't want to be your dirty little secret again for months; we and I deserve better than that, that's just the same old pattern, nothing more than we've been and done before."

"Wanted?"

"I think I made a mistake."


	3. Ruckus

**Disclaimer: Nope. Still don't own Castle.**

**[No Spoilers in reviews please...]**

**A/N: Apparently the worst that could happen is pretty bad...**

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Beckett stepped back, dropping her hands from Castle's shoulders, voice cold and controlled, "What?"

Castle started to retorted, "I don't.."

She interrupted though, before he could get a word in; taking a small step back for him, voice starting to show clear irritation and exasperation, "You are overreacting! You come up with some wild and crazy theory.."

Castle spat back, venom creeping into his voice, feeling that his years of contributions were being dismissed, "Even you acknowledge Beckett, sometimes those wild and crazy theories are right!"

She snapped put a biting response to that, "This one isn't!"

"It's not even about a theory Beckett. What don't you get? You want to make us a secret again, you.."

Beckett could help herself, raising her voice, talking over him, getting her point in, "That's crap! It's not about secrets Castle, it's about your crazy imagination running haywire. Thinking you only got lucky, that if things and played out differently I'd have dumped you for the DC opportunity. That's what it's really about isn't it?"

"No, it really.."

"Of course it is!"

"Fine Beckett have it your way. You always do. Fine. True though isn't it? You whine about my crazy theory now; but it was a lucky case or we would be over right now!"

"What do you want me to say? If not for the right circumstances I might have decided to leave? Yeah it might have happened. So what?"

Castle simply gapped at her, shocked that she though so little of the idea of leaving them, whispering, "So what?"

She was focused now, the job, the worries, they didn't matter; she was convinced now even if she'd taken it she'd have ended up only one possible place anyway, "You know what it would have meant? I'd have ended up miserable, stuck in a job leaving me no time to live, no time for any relationships; not something I'd like any more, not after experiencing so much of life with you. I don't know how long it would have lasted, but I'd have come back. I wouldn't have been able to stay away, give up on us; it would never have worked out in the long run. I'd have come back to you."

He was shaking his head at that, clearly exasperated, "So I should be grateful that eventually you'd change your mind and realize maybe you needed a back up plan? That's what I am to you isn't it a backup plan for when your first idea falls flat!"

"First idea? First idea? This would be your third! Third marriage!"

"What's that got to do with this? They weren't you!"

"I'm going out on a limb here; taking a chance that we'll last when those failed."

"Taking a chance? You don't even know why they failed, you never bothered to ask!"

"Meredith told me..."

Castle barked out an incredulous laugh, "You spoke to Meredith! You asked Meredith why our marriage failed? You asked her rather than me? Unbelievable. I'm sure she span you a great story Beckett."

"She said.."

"Whatever! She cheated on me! Did she tell you that? Or she keep that bit a secret?"

Beckett was stunned by that disclosure apparently, face dropping all sings of anger, and voice softening noticeably, "Rick, no.."

"But you know about cheating and secrets don't you Beckett?"

She took a hesitant step back, unbelieving that he's bring that topic up again when they'd agree to leave it alone just minutes before, then snapped back at him, "I did not cheat with Vaughn!"

"Who said anything about him? You tell Josh about our kiss Kate?"

Josh? He was bringing up Josh? A man who ultimately had meant nothing meaningful to her, "You kissed me Castle! It was for a cover."

"The first one yeah, the second one? When you kissed me? Moaned? That was no cover kiss. You were into that. You tell Josh about it? Or keep another secret to make your own life easier."

She turned away then, unwilling to face him for this, started little agitated pacing steps, "You want to want to attack me for kissing the guy I was in love with?"

"That's rich! You want to go there? No I want you to face up to keeping the guy you say you're in love with secret from everyone; secret for Josh then, secret from everyone you could for the last year, and now secret again."

"That's not it at all! Castle I already told you, if it's public, then there's no plausible deniability. We might not be able to work together! Gates could throw you out of the precinct. I want to work side by side with you."

"Full circle? You didn't seem so concerned about working side by side with me when you thought DC was the place for you to invest your life."

"I told you that was a mistake! I turned the job down Rick!"

"I told you I don't want to be a secret or a backup plan! Don't I deserve more than that? I thought you agreed we both did, then back to the same old pattern at the first opportunity."

"That's what you think? That it's all just going to repeat?"

"Why not? It's the same thing over and over, déjà vu all over again! There always a roadblock or a new reason to end things. Always with the I'm just a cop why would Mr Millionaire Author want me, like it's so hard to believe? You didn't have a problem believing the billionaire wanted you. It's not that though is it? Never was; it was me you didn't believe in. Still is, that's why you want to keep it a secret."

Kate spun around to face Castle now, tone once again cold and controlled, "If that is how you feel about it, take it."

She thrust out her hand towards him, engagement ring sparkling on her finger.


	4. Detente

**Disclaimer: Nope. Still don't own Castle.**

**[No Spoilers in reviews please...]**

**A/N: Interesting reactions to Chapter 3 'Ruckus', all over the map (relatively speaking). In my experience, arguments aren't carefully planned out rhetorical discussions between two in control participants... They tend to go round and round, hurtful things are said, some meant, some true, some not, some regretted later. Maybe I'm not a good enough writer to pull it off (see Chapter 14 of '226 Miles' by Flashpoint33 instead)..**

**A/N 2: I really think I need to find a beta reader for grammar and spelling at the very least...**

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The anger dropped from Castle's face then; maybe he was overreacting, but the thought of being kept a secret again, it hurt. To be such an important part of her life, but one she wanted to hide, it just pushed all his buttons. Every last one.

"No Kate.."

"I'm serious Rick, if you have no faith in me, no faith that I believe in us; then this is never going to work. I want to be more open with you, but it takes time."

"I've given you years Kate, but nothing.."

"And I'm asking for more.."

"More is all I want Kate. More for me, for us too."

"I'm trying Rick! Look how different things are already. We've fought before Rick and every time in past either you walked out or I threw you out. This time though? We're both still here... neither of us wants to give up on us, can't you see that?"

"See what? The same thing over and over, expecting things will be different this time? That's insanity Kate."

"I didn't carefully plan this out, neither of us did. Give me some credit Rick, give us some credit, things are different between us already!"

Closing his eyes he shook his head, trying to clear up his jumbled thoughts, share everything about them back into pace, "It's hard to think straight right now."

"Maybe we need a break."

He couldn't he but raise his voice again at that, "You want to take a break?!"

"Not that kind of break! A time out, a pause to gather our breath, think. Dinner later, like you said?"

"Sure Beckett, sure, we can walk away from the argument."

"Unless you want the other kind of break. Is that it? You want to walk away entirely? If you do, then take it." She held out the engagement ring bedecked hand once again.

"No Kate. I'm not going to be the one to take that ring off your finger."

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Castle left her apartment building, walking aimlessly, no intended destination in mind. Just the walking, the step by step paces he took along the so familiar concrete and tarmac sidewalks of Manhattan calmed him, gave him time to think. The pounding blood, the sheer tension that had consumed him gradually faded away as he walked.

He couldn't go home, couldn't face his mother again, she'd never understand his disappointment; he could hear that conversation in his head right now.

"I proposed mother."

"Well about time Richard, I still don't know why you waited so long! What did Katherine say?"

"Yes. She said yes."

"Well congratulations. Why are you back here though? Alone? Why aren't you with her?"

"We had a fight mother."

"She accepted your proposal and then you had a fight? About what Richard? About the job?"

"No, she turned down the job."

"I don't understand. She turned down the job and accepted the proposal? Isn't that the best you could have hoped for? You should be out celebrating!"

But she didn't want to celebrate them, she wanted to hide them.

It hurt. He wasn't asking for a Page 6 photo shoot! Just to let people know: he was off the market, and so was she. Maybe if she was wearing a ring fewer people would be hitting on her, making moves, inviting her for drinks in their hotel suites.

Not that wearing his ring, publicly acknowledging their relationship, had ever stopped Meredith. Kate was so different though, so different from any other relationship he'd had; in good ways, and other not so good ways.

Castle eventually found himself wandering back to the swings, not deliberately but he supposed it had always been a place of hope. Where she'd told him she couldn't have a real relationship, the kind she wanted, until she had put her mother's case behind her; the very confession she'd made earlier today: that part of her life was over as a priority.

Maybe his writer brain had gotten in the way, spun a story where one wasn't needed; a simple what if: a different case? It wasn't an unreasonable question, or so he'd thought; they built theory all the time, why this, what if that. Building theory about them though, it had all exploded out of proportion; she really hadn't liked that.

Castle was sure though that he were just a minor case-difference away from a radically different response form her: "I got the job Castle, I can't accept you, I have to do this on my own; it'll take all the times have to make it work." Or some such let down response as she left him sitting there.

Perhaps more likely though she'd have told him she was taking the job and wanted him to follow along, be her faithful hound. It would have been okay in the end according to Kate, she'd eventually hate the job that sucked the fun out of her life. Then she'd fall back into his waiting arms and everything would go back to the way it had been.

That she considered him being a fall back, a backup plan, as acceptable... Wasn't that what he'd decided he'd accept when on the way to the swings in the first place? Being an after thought for Kate Beckett would be worth it? That if it was all he could get, then he'd grasp it with both hands? He was not an idiot, knew full well he had no will power to deny her whatever she wanted, never had, never would. He'd let her do whatever she wanted, let her expect he'd be waiting when it didn't work out.

Everything had gotten so out of control though, sure she hadn't picked him over the job; but she'd decided she wanted a life, and he'd always wanted to be whatever part of hers he could be. Whatever was going to happen they needed to talk, not spit venom at each other; that was what was going to happen at dinner.

He needed to go home.

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Kate Beckett watched Rick Castle leave her apartment, a sense of disappointment spreading through her. This day should have been filled with joy, she'd turned down the job in order to have a complete life, with Rick as a major part of that; then he'd proposed. Then everything had gone to crap. Rick and his crazy theories! He just had to run scenarios. It was one of the things that made him so valuable professionally, considering whole hosts of possible causes and outcomes for any particular set of circumstances. If he'd just left well alone, not spouted all those hateful things; well everything would be great right now. H should have juts let her say her piece and they'd of been happy, together and nothing else would matter.

She walked into her kitchen to top off another mug of coffee, needing the warmth, what it had always represented of her while he was in her life. She'd missed his coffee the last couple of days, this was a pale substitution; but coffee was coffee and she needed it.

While stirring her coffee, she couldn't help but look at the ring, it was beautiful, a goldilocks variant, not too small to understate Castle's proclivity for the larger things in life; not to big that it would necessarily interfere with day to day activities; just right. It looked so right to her, sitting in her finger, saying so many things about them about their future. A future she has been hesitant to expect, her own and his issues clouding her ability to believe in them, until this morning; and now she was unsure again. Did he want it anymore?

Kate twirled the ring again, she almost couldn't help it, quite possibly it was going to become a obsession if she wasn't careful. She realized she need to head into the precinct, clear some things up, tell Gates she had turned down the job. She headed into her bedroom grab a plain gold chains and started to pull off the ring. Then she froze.

Castle wouldn't be the one to pull he right off her finger, he'd promised her that; it was up to her if she wore it or not. He'd also said wearing it meant a lot to him, clearly it did; her simple statement that she wanted to keep it private had sent him off the deep end. They'd argued before, but never had he said such vile things to her. Bringing up Josh like that; he just shouldn't have done that, a year-long mistake, ancient history.

Even then she hadn't thrown him out, things, for whatever reason, were different now. Maybe some other things should be different too.

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Beckett stepped off the elevator on the homocide floor at the 12th precinct, the space so familiar, so comfortable, so home. The very idea that she was about to abandon the place was completely was foreign now, the environment itself so part her that she couldn't imagine leave it behind.

Ryan and Epso weren't at their desks, just empty spaces where they should be for her to look at; instead she saw nothing. Some things could be dealt with though, Gates was in her office; not to be denied Becket marched across the floor before knocking firmly on the door of her Captain's office.

"Come in Beckett."

"Sir."

Gates was actually smiling, appeared a little jovial, clearly she'd heard something from someone, "What can I do for you Agent Beckett?"

"Detective sir. They offered me the job, but I'm not going to take it. I would like to stay here sir, with my team."

"Really? I stuck my neck out for you with a recommendation for the job, told them you'd be a perfect fit. That job is a huge opportunity Beckett, a national opportunity, a chance to make a name for yourself outside the limits of the city. You want to turn that down to stay a homocide detective?"

"Yes sir, I think staying here, in the city, that's what's best for me as a person."

"That ring your wearing have anything to do with your decision detective? You let your boyfriend talk you out of having your own future?"

"No captain, this decision was made without his involvement. He had no say at all."

"Well at least you show some sense. You're young Beckett, this was the opportunity of a lifetime, I would have jumped at a chance like this in your position; and I think you've made terrible mistake. I hope you don't regret it later. Dismissed."

"Sir?"

Gates snapped at her, clearly irritated, expecting her to be gone by now, "Yes!?"

"I'd like to take the rest of the day off sir if that's okay?"

"Absolutely Beckett. Go! See if you can get your head screwed on straight."

"Thank you sir, we'll be back in at 8am sharp."

Gates didn't even look up as Beckett left her office, stepping out into the still empty bull pen. She just wanted everything over, everything out in the open now. Gates knew, but perhaps she hadn't put everything together yet in her irritation at Beckett's decision to turn down the job.

With the guys still off somewhere doing whatever it was they were doing Beckett decided she'd better face the music: go talk with Lanie.

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Beckett pushed through the double doors into Lanie's morgue sanctum, seeing her friend working at her desk rather than over a cadaver. Grateful for small mercies she called out, "Hey Lanie."

"Kate? What you doing here?"

"Just wanted to talk, say hey, see my friend."

"What's going on girl? You look worn out."

"They offered me the job, but I'm turning it down."

"Why? It seemed like you really wanted it this morning. Why'd you change your mind?"

"I'd have needed to leave my whole life behind Lanie. I just don't want to do that again, it's what I did when I became a cop, I don't want to put myself through it again."

"That's good Kate, good that you want a more complete life I think. Work's great and all but you can't have a girls night with a case file. You need friends, fun; we all do. We should celebrate! Girls night tonight."

"I can't tonight Lanie, dinner with Castle."

Lanie's excitement was starting to overflow, "Priorities Kate! Just tell him another night, we have to party! My girl is staying in town!"

"I am not going going to stand up my fiancé for a girl's night Lanie."

Silence. Lanie's excitement was gone, a calm and collected woman now, she stood up from her desk to approach Kate. "What have you done Kate? This morning you weren't even sure you wanted to have a meaningful conversation with him. A couple of weeks ago I was egging you on to dip your toe into the Vaughn pool and you didn't exactly discourage me Kate. You thought about it, don't deny it. Now you're engaged? It doesn't make any sense."

"I love him Lanie, what's strange about that?"

That got her the patented Lanie head tilt and stare down, "Girlfriend! I know you love him, I knew before you did. You loved Royce too, so you told me, but you'd never have married him. Love comes and goes Kate. Marriages don't, not for you at least; for Castle they do."

"I honestly thought you'd be happy for me Lanje, happy for Rick and me."

"I'm happy for you if you're happy girl. It just seems rushed, from so uncertain about everything to engaged in hours. Doesn't seem like you."

"You think Castle rushed it?"

"Not him. You. Castle's been waiting for you for years, we all saw it way before you wanted to admit it. He hung around through Josh, while you got your head together enough to hook up with him, and until you finally worked up the courage to tell him you loved him a few weeks back. I'm a little shocked he proposed without you giving the green light though, he's always waited for your signals before."

"You think I haven't been wanting more out of my relationship with Rick? I asked him where we were going!"

"Kate you're a control freak and an actions girl. You don't ask where things are going, you tell people; and just recently your actions haven't exactly been screaming 'propose to me' either, that's all I'm saying. But he did and you said yes. So congratulations are in order. Show me the ring!"

By the time they were done examining the ring, including Lanie putting it under the microscope to check if he skimped on the stones, it was getting time for Beckett to go back to her apartment, get changed; she had a date tonight with her fiancé, an opportunity to finally iron some things out.


	5. Surrender

**Disclaimer: Nope. Still don't own Castle.**

**[No Spoilers in reviews please...]**

**A/N: Thanks for the feedback so far, fascinating reactions. I was trying to write these characters as in-character as I could regarding certain traits shown at the end of Season 5. That said ;-) just because one character believes something about another, well it's not necessarily true is it...**

**A/N 2: I think this story has run it's course here, appreciate your feedback; honestly this one has been a constant struggle. Possibly because I had absolutely no idea where it was really going when I started it (for obvious reasons, as prior A/Ns have made clear).**

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Castle had decided on a simple stir fry of dinner, nothing to complicated, nothing requiring large bouts of chewing and silence between dinner partners. He'd considered soup too, but decided against it in general slurping grounds; just nothing attractive about slurping soup in someone's face.

He'd just finished chopping everything, setting each ingredient aside, pulling out the wok to start the actual cooking when there was a knock at the door. Glancing at the oven clock he saw it was time to Beckett to arrive, but she had a key so something was off. Something was way off if she was knocking instead of just letting herself in. She'd been practically living at the loft for months, hadn't knocked on the door for months before that.

When he opened the door it was even more obvious something was off. Kate Beckett stood on the other side alright, but she was wearing a dress. Apparently really tall heels too, taller than normal, she was basically looking him right in the eye now he wasn't wearings any shoes at all.

"Hi Rick." That was it, all she said before reaching one hand out toward cheek.

"Apples! Apples" Or his ear.

"Just remember who I am Rick, you do not talk to me like that okay?" The she pulled him closer, by his ear and kissed him. Hard.

Just as suddenly she released him, sashaying across the loft towards the kitchen, "Let's talk. You owe me dinner too." She took set by the breakfast bar, gesturing him to come closer, ring glittering on her hand.

"You put the ring back on?"

She flashed him a big smile, "Never took it off Rick. Never going to."

"But you said.."

"I remember what I said. I remember what you said too, this morning; that you wouldn't take this ring off me, well I'm not going to either. So where does that leave us Rick? Hmm?"

"You tell me Beckett."

A quick head shake, "Kate."

"What?"

"It should be: you tell me Kate." She gestured again then, pointing at the wok, "You going to feed me or what?"

Rick busied himself once more, feeling somehow very domestic, "Yeah. It should Kate. I'm sorry about this morning, but everything struck a nerve. It's your life, you've told me that on more than one occasion. I accept that, don't have much choice, I just want to be a part of it. I just want to be with you Kate."

"You're right. It is my life, but I've let it get away from me. Even this relationship Rick. I've been in control from day one, but I haven't at the same time; I've let it slip through my fingers because I acted to slow or didn't do something I should."

"I should have pushed you.."

"If you'd pushed I'd just have run, or fought, or something and we both know it. You did push once, a little, early on, asked me to go to the Hamptons with you, tried to take the initiate in moving us forward. You thought I went with Demming instead, but I didn't, I broke up with him to go with you."

"What?"

She smiled wanly, "Yeah, I never told you that, just another little secret I kept. You learnt your lesson then though, push and she leaves; in that case runs off with another guy. Or so you thought."

"I'm sorry! I didn't know."

"No you didn't, not your fault, I blamed you at the time of course; just easier for me to blame you and regret letting the opportunity slip by. I could have acted though, when Gina showed up, spoke up, controlled the situation. If it had been anything else, anything but an emotional filled moment then and that's what I would have done."

"Kate, this isn't the time to open old wounds, it's about whether we move forward together or what happens next."

"Ohh no you don't! Whether? No way Rick. We're in this. It's how, not whether. Decisions have been made. You said you were in. This is me telling you I'm in too. All in."

"All in? Really? What does that mean to you Kate?"

"It means I give up. I surrender. I've fought myself on relationships for so long, not just you but all of them. Sure none of the ones be free you were actually the right guy. Even Josh wasn't the right guy and deep down I knew it, I was just fighting what ideally wanted. Did I cheat on him with you? Don't be ridiculous Rick, if anything I spent a year cheating on you with him. But like you said that's an old wound we don't need or bring up."

"You give up? Give up on what exactly?"

"On not being myself. In every other avenue of my life I'm in control, I decide what happens, I act. When it comes to emotional things though I don't, I hide; not any more though, I'm surrendering that emotional side to the rest of me now. Time to be in control of that too."

"What does that mean for us Kate? Really?"

"You've always let me have that control Rick, and I love you all the more for that. But when I came to us just recently I became the passive one, waiting for you to make a move, waiting for you to tell me where we were going. That's not us Rick, it had always been me telling you where we were going. Well guess what? I'm in charge of my life again now."

"I get no choice?"

"You told me whatever I decide, you gave up control of us to me. I decided. I'm taking control. What do I want? You. I said it before, it scared me then. I say it again, it still scared me, but I'm not going to let that fear drive me anymore."

"What we you really afraid of Kate? I've stood by you through everything, bombs, whenever you let me I stood by you."

"I know. I'm a detective Rick, analytic, thoughtful; except when it comes to my own emotions, then everything just jumbles up together. I was sacred because I had always been sacred in that situation not because it made any sense Rick. It really doesn't matter though now does it? I know you'll stand with me, you'll stick with me; and I'm pushing that fear away."

"I have bungled this relationship so many times, we both have, but not any more. We go forward together."

"Ummm... Not that I want to break your flow Kate, but dinner is ready."

"Then feed me Rick!"

They settled down sitting close together at the dining table, stir fry and a couple of glasses of Gewürztraminer. A simple dinner, not their first together, but their first as an engaged couple. They ate, talked, chatted about lighter things to start.

"So what now Kate. You still want to keep everything secret?"

"It's a little late for that Rick. I went to see Gates. She wasn't particularly happy with me turning down the job. She saw the ring too. She knows."

"What did she say?"

"Nothing much, we'll find out tomorrow when we get there. At 8am Rick, I'm not going in there alone."

"Scared of Gates?"

"Nope. Just need a human shield if things do go wrong. You'll be my shield right Rick?"

"Tried to be before didn't I?"

Kate reached out a hand to cup his cheek, "Yes you did Rick. Yes you did."

"What did Ryan and Esposito say?"

"Nothing. Weren't there, maybe they'd taken the guy to booking; don't know, we'll take care of them tomorrow. Together. Lanie wasn't too happy, or rather she was shocked by it all. Shocked that I was this committed to you, enough to wear your ring, given everything else that had gone on."

"She didn't think you should have said yes?"

"More she didn't think I was ready, all she'd seen from me recently was hesitation about us; she isn't know everything of course, but from her point view apparently if I'd really wanted a proposal I'd have given you pretty clear signals. That's what opened my eyes I suppose, I should have."

"So this is you giving clear signals?"

"Pretty much yeah. Maybe things shouldn't have worked out like this, but they did. We're here now. Other clear signals I'm going to send. You need to ask me to move into the loft, but you can do that later, maybe tomorrow; definitely before the end of the week. We can pack up my place starting next weekend."

There was a light chuckle, the a chocking sound, before he gasped out a simple, "Sure Kate. Nice to know where I stand."

"Speaking of standing Castle. Up. Come with me."

Kate dragged him over to the sofa, pushing him down and straddled him, kneeling over him, in command, looking down on him, "Now we can talk about clothes Rick. Like I promised this morning. I'm always going to keep my promises to you. Want to know a secret?"

Rick stared up into her eyes, a smile broadening into a grin, "Always."


End file.
